Richard Parker's Relationship Advice

I have been posting dating tips through facebook status updates, and decided to collate them into a blog:

• In times of trouble, purchase flowers. They symbolise decay. It's likely to prove most appropriate as the end approaches.

• A relationship can be a good method of easing your fears of dying alone.

• Even if you never fall in love, it doesn't have to mean you will die alone. Some events claim more than one life.

• If you want to form something long lasting, try to avoid being honest wherever possible. The less someone knows about you, the easier it is for them to convince themselves that you are who they hope you are. Don't spoil the illusion by being who you actually are, until you have them trapped.

• Your relationship is not genuine until you confirm it through facebook relationship status. Proposing to broadcast the relationship on facebook, ranks above marriage in terms of how serious you are about each other. If your partner doesn't have a facebook then they are not a real person.

• If you try to find yourself in someone else, you will only find yourself more lost.

• Total mutual and permanent isolation from one another leading to awkward silence and meaningless small talk when unexpectedly crossing paths, makes for an interesting alternative to close intimacy and affection. Give it a try next time you are stuck for ideas on how to progress a relationship forwards.

• Communication is key to relationship breakdowns. As long as you don't talk, you'll be lifelong companions. If your pet could communicate effectively with you, do you think it'd be so affectionate? ..."Explain to me why you're not feeding me" ..."Fuck off, I need sleep" ..."I did it in the corner, what's your problem?" ..."Don't touch me" ..."I think it's time I saw other people".

• "We can still be friends" means for the next 2 to 3 years, posting on each others facebook wall once a year. To say happy birthday.

• Dating somebody who takes your breath away can be extremely suffocating.

• If you can try to have patience and always remember that good things come to those who wait, eventually you will find that it's too late.

• If you think you are unattractive, even when people are obviously attracted to you, your logic is extremely flawed. Even the hottest of Hollywood stars feel insecure about how they look, and in fact, if anybody isn't at all insecure about how they look, they are probably a cunt. Don't waste too much of your life putting on make-up and plucking eyebrows.

• If there's something you want to say to someone and you feel too weak to interact directly, try posting a facebook status update as if it's aimed at nobody in particular. Maybe they'll read it and not respond. Even better, you may have a public argument through status comments. Give it a go next time you break up with someone while they're still on your friend list.

• When you find the object of your affection is married to another person, you need to change your perspective and your whole outlook. Try to think of them purely as an object, and their partner purely as an obstacle.

• When you see someone walking through town who you used to be romantically involved with, and you are not sure whether they saw you because they didn't acknowledge you at all, they did in fact see you and were simply ignoring you.

• If you place any significance on Valentines Day, you completely deserve all the disappointment you're going to get as a result.

• If you send a text message to your partner, and they don't reply instantly, simply send a few more text messages asking why they haven't responded yet. It shows that you care. About stupid meaningless shit. Maybe your partner will be in the process of composing a reply, and would appreciate being interrupted by what is essentially a pointless duplicate message.

• If you feel that you must always be understood, and that you must always understand why someone does the things they do or is the way they are, you will never be happy. People can not be understood.

• It is not necessary that you love yourself in order for somebody else to love you. 

• It is not necessary that you love youself in order for you to love someone else.

• You know how you think you were so stupid in the past? In a few years you will think who you are now, was stupid. You're doing it wrong. Just stop being stupid.

• When you find someone who will be with you, don't let them out. You don't want them to know they could find something more exciting, or someone who would treat them better. Make them think they can't. Be their life. Trap them. There will be plenty of time for them to catch up with their old friends after they escape.

• If you talk to someone in a bar who you find attractive, it is your moral obligation to sleep in their bed.

• Once something new, interesting and exciting, becomes old, dull and boring, try to forget it all and pretend that it never mattered, until it doesn't matter anymore and you forget it.

• Offer your love to whom it may consume.

• When you find that you can't sleep at night, and can't see any point getting out of bed in the morning, and the only person who has ever really known you at all no longer thinks you are worth knowing at all, you should just become emotionally resiliant.

• Stop placing so much emphasis on bullshit that is meaningless.

• When you feel like you are losing your best friend and one true soulmate forever, and things seem absolutely hopeless, and everything you do only makes it worse and pushes them further distant, you need to develop excellent communication and conflict resolution skills. This will definitely drastically improve everything, leading to a perfect future.

• If you are interested in someone who you know has Aspergers Syndrone, none of your predominant moves and games are likely to be noticed. You need to be a bit unorthodox to stand a chance, and do something much more unconventional, like tell them directly.

• There is one and only one person on this planet for each and every one of you. So many people throughout history had to copulate at extremely precise moments in time in order for fate to carefully arrange for you and your soulmate to meet. You fucked it up. You shouldn't have talked. You interfered with fate and it's all screwed up forever now, for everyone. Thanks.

• When you ask a question in text form, use excessive question marks. Add exclamation points and capital letters for added effect. This will surely communicate to the reader that answering that question as soon as possible, is the most important thing they have had to do in their lifetime. If they don't answer, post some more question marks, and they'll like you more.

• Just because you feel it with all your heart, and never doubt for a second that it must be true, it doesn't mean that it's not impossible. 

• If your partner asks you if their big bones make them look fat, you need to say no.

• When you meet someone who you are keen on, you need to break the ice and fall into the icy waters of death below.

• After you break up with someone, you should always view them as nothing more than a fish. There are plenty more fish in the sea, and once you catch one, their life will soon be over.

• Once you remind somebody of someone else, or of something they don't like about themselves you should give up. Anything you say or do will only give them rational reasons to dislike you.

• Are you a poor starving student? Yes? Well, there are lonely people out there who have spent the last 20-30 years building up a mass of wealth and possesion in the hope of one day pulling a student. These men are everywhere. Say hi.

• If somebody is physically attractive, but is an asshole, you should at least date them, and try to change their personality. There is potential then for them to be the perfect person. It's worth a go. It could be your only chance at happiness. 

• Whoever said "love is all you need" was wrong. It's not.

• When you have a conversation on the phone, don't hang up. Wait for them to hang up. They may say "no, you hang up", but don't. If you hang up, they will assume that you hate them, which, by then, you probably will. Just hang up.

• If you believe someone is perfect, you suffer chronic delusion, and it is vital that you be alone. If you see flaws in a person, and choose to love them despite the flaws, you may just be a rational person.

• Never decide to live with someone without taking into consideration that you may eventually have to pay the entire amount on your own. Don't trap yourself. If you feel unable to discuss the issue with your partner, the more likely the issue will become an issue.

• If you have troubles acquiring partners, maybe you need to make some alterations to your mating call. Try standing slightly crouched, ass out, arms slightly raised, head looking straight, and sing. Sing about your availability, your skill set, your ability to lie, and your weekly income. Sing loudly to increase the odds of more members of your species hearing you.

• Whether it's a stranger awkwardly attempting conversation, someone who developed unrequited feelings, or even someone who betrayed you years ago, don't lose sight of the fact that if it came to it, they'd risk their life to save yours. Fuck the psychological bullshit. It matters none. Try to treat every person with the respect every person automatically deserves.

• Be considerate. You should consider their feelings, and then decide to disregard them because they are irrational.

• If you're friendly enough, they will try to sleep with you.

• Tell them how you feel before it's too late. Also, make sure you don't tell them how you feel, because you'll only screw it all up forever.

• Getting what you wanted will often be more disappointing than not getting it would have been.

• People are fickle.

• Stay Alone.